Email vs Snail Mail
by hiddenmoments
Summary: Email privileges are there to be abused. There is also a possibility that there will be abuse of the US Postal Service. Silly banter and covert plots abound as everyone realises that someone is always listening in the bullpen but that if you put something official in the subject of an email or address a letter formally they're bound to get bored and butt out. Daily Grind spin-offs.
1. Featuring Don, Megan, coffee and ovaries

_**Here's something that's been brewing in a notebook for a while and I finally put my foot down and typed up a couple weeks ago. I apologise for the long delay before coming out with anything new but I'm working full-time and have somehow picked up five boxing classes and a recurring callback as a PT for a sports club as well as making the stupid decision to go back to studying. So anything that happens will be sporadic but I do hope you guys enjoy this anyway! Kindly ignore the whacked out formatting, the site eats email addresses which made this whole thing rather weird.**_

_**Just some happy little tidbits set all across the** Daily_ _Grind __**universe. First up: **__Email privileges are there to be abused. After she leaves, Megan certainly does so and is a bad influence on the team in turn. Some silly back and forth between Don and Megan after she heads back east.  
_

* * *

_____  
From: deppes3695fbigov_  
_To: meganreevesuoweduau_  
Subject: Updates

How long is this doctorate program of yours going to go for, anyway?

I need you back here to keep Colby under control and to stop David from declaring war on athletics of all kinds. We have a new junior, Nikki Betancourt, and she's already nearly gotten herself killed. Pretty sure I've aged ten years in the last fortnight trying to manage this lot on my own.

Larry's doing okay. He hangs around here a lot more often though. If you don't come home soon he's probably going to start drinking Colby's coffee and we all know that's a death sentence. Hope you're settling in okay and everything is alright with the family.

- Don

_From: meganreevesuoweduau_  
_To: deppes3695fbigov  
__Subject: Re: Updates_

I've been gone a month (out of at least two years, by the way) and you're already struggling? Here I was thinking my big, badass boss could take care of things. Obviously not.

New juniors nearly getting themselves killed. Now there's something I _don't_ miss at all. Sounds like a mini-Granger, don't you think? You definitely have your work cut out for you there. I dread to think of what'll happen when she joins the Rebels. What are her long-term chances at making it? In the meantime, I can recommend you some good hair dyes if you like.

I will call him and tell him that under no circumstances is he to drink Granger's coffee, I'd like him to remain alive. Settled in fine, things are still a little frosty with Dad but it takes time, right?

- Megan

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
__To: meganreevesuoweduau_  
_Subject: Re: Re: Updates_

I'll start a countdown in the war room. Your big, badass boss is (just) managing. I bet you don't miss it but I still get to kick in doors when Colby doesn't get there first. Nikki is definitely following in his footsteps, I can only hope she isn't a bad influence on Liz. I'm good but not good enough to handle three of them at once and that isn't even counting Springton.

Long-term I think she's gonna do okay. She just needs to settle in, get used to playing by our rules instead of the LAPD ones. I forget how different it can be. Colby was the same when he first started as well, still stuck in that military mindset. Definitely going to need that recommendation though, I can feel the greys popping up as I type.

Larry's steering clear of the coffee machine now, back to the straight milk. How badly did you scare him? Glad you've settled in okay, and your dad will come around. If he doesn't, well, you're still FBI at heart and I bet he'd love a practical demonstration of just how good you are at taking down guys with a good 50 pounds on you. Maybe kick his office door in? That's always a surefire way to impress.

- Don

_From: meganreevesuoweduau_  
_To: deppes3695fbigov  
__Subject: Coffee on my keyboard_

I nearly spat coffee all over my keyboard thanks to your last paragraph. Kicking my dad's office door in is surprisingly tempting. Mom's warmed right up though, she brought over a bunch of casseroles and lasagne and filled my freezer while I was in class yesterday. Did you spread lies about my cooking abilities?

(I had some of the casserole though and it was really good. She would definitely get along with your dad.)

Liz will probably be a good influence on her. Remember how gung-ho she was at the beginning? Take a look in the mirror too, I don't think you've ever been the play-it safe agent and look where it got you, yeah? SAC with a badass rep to boot. She's got some good role models, excluding Granger. Don't partner them up, okay? Springton might get jealous.

I forgot how much I hate assignments.

- M

_From: deppes3695fbigov _  
_To: meganreevesuoweduau_  
_Subject: Re: Coffee on my keyboard_

Drinking and typing? Reeves, I taught you better than that. I spread no lies though, I swear. Was probably Dad, he's been worried enough about how you're going to manage without him to feed you. I passed along the message that your mom had it handled. He still likes you more than me, I can tell.

Narco keep stealing Liz so I usually end up partnering Nikki myself. I'll let Colb deal with David when he goes off the handle about the jogging killers, I've got my hands full trying to keep Nikki from going off half-cocked and with more balls than brains.

We worked with Springton last week and I'm pretty sure she and Granger rekindled that unholy alliance. I still think they're going to get married and instead of children they're going to spawn tiny demons. Cute demons, maybe, but demons nonetheless. How're your sisters taking you being home?

_From: meganreevesuoweduau_  
_To: deppes3695fbigov _  
_Subject: Re: Re: Coffee on my keyboard_

I know, I know. Still bossing me around from across the country, I shouldn't be surprised. Your dad and my mom, there's an unholy combination right there. Can you blame him for liking me more? You're a terrible son. Not to mention I have ovaries.

One day there's probably going to be a case where the killer actually does like jogging and David is going to hold it over the rest of us forever. It will not be a pleasant existence after that. Also, good luck with that whole keeping Betancourt out of trouble, because you're more balls than brains as well. The blind leading the blind, eh? I'll email McLean and see if he can set up cameras around the office for me, god knows I need the amusement.

I'm going to have nightmares about their hellspawn now, I hope you realise. There is no amount of therapy that will fix this. My sisters are surprisingly alright. I see Marie most which isn't really surprising, she and Dad are a little frosty too. Her partner Carly is lovely, they have me over for dinner sometimes and grill me for FBI stories. Made me promise to show them how to kick in doors. Erin's the same as ever but Stephanie seems to have grown up. Her kids are adorable.

Reckon a case could bring you out East any time soon? At the risk of sounding like a sap, I think I miss you guys. Everything is so boring here.

_From: deppes3695fbigov _  
_To: meganreevesuoweduau_  
_Subject: Re: Re: Re: Coffee on my keyboard_

You thought moving east was going to stop me from bossing you around? I'm disappointed. I agree, Dad does like you better because of your ovaries. They alone mean you're more likely to have children and we all know how he feels about them. I am a terrible son only because I haven't procreated yet.

Don't even talk about the day coming where David can actually argue his point about the jogging cult. You know that if you talk about it you make it more likely to happen and I plan to be far away when it eventually does. Also, I have plenty of brains _and_ balls, thank you very much. It isn't just my coffee making skills that make the ladies swoon after all, remember? I told Tommy that if he listens to you I'll make sure he's transferred to Canada to join the Mounties on some fictional exchange program, so good luck with that. He hates the cold.

My pleasure, what good am I if I'm not tormenting you? Keeps things interesting. I have mental images of the three of you in that Charlie's Angels pose now, with Charlie wearing a bowler hat tilted down over his eyes and a cane. It is going to keep me simultaneously amused and traumatised forever.

Funny you should say that, FR has mentioned sending me out with Coop sometime soon. There's this guy on the Most Wanted List that is ruffling all sorts of feathers and they're refusing to send Coop solo but we all know how he is with partners. A rookie wouldn't last a week on the road with him after a collar that big. Last we heard the guy was heading east so you could get your wish if they cave and ask for me. I'll tell Dad you begged for me to take it and then we'll see who the favourite is!

Don't worry about being mushy, we all know you're a sap at heart.

(We miss you too.)

* * *

_**Don is totally a sap at heart as well.**_


	2. A whole lot of nonsense from everyone

**_And a new one because I really should have known better than to think I was going to get through work today without getting thoroughly distracted by this. I'm not even going to wonder how long I can keep it up because knowing myself it will become a challenge._**

_**Next up: We all knew it was only a matter of time before Ana and Colby moved on from post-it notes. Sometime post-Daily Grind.**_

* * *

**PART I**

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Case files needed URGENTLY!  
_  
Is Sinclair reading over your shoulder? I hoped that a boring subject line would make him bored. I never bother snooping in boring emails.

I think that might be why spam emails always have such weird sounding subject lines because you can't help but want to open them.

_From: cgranger4334fbigov  
To: asprington8812fbigov  
Subject: Re: Case files needed URGENTLY!  
_  
Negative. He looked over but I think you're right and the boring subject line convinced him it wasn't anything exciting. He's gone back to losing at chess against someone on the internet.

I think you're right, I always have to talk myself out of opening the spam emails even though I know they're spam.

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject Re: re: Case files needed URGENTLY!  
_  
Good because I think we might have a problem.

Maybe I should have left the URGENTLY! out of the subject line. I think the upper case letters and exclamation mark might make it a bit exciting considering we're trying to avoid notice.

PS: do you think he loses on purpose? I mean, I get losing to the brainiacs and even Don or Ian but he lost to _us_. I don't know about you but I know that I'm really bad at chess. I don't even know what some of the pieces are called.

_From: cgranger4334fbigov  
To: asprington8812fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: re: Case files needed URGENTLY!  
_  
A problem aside from the fact that I don't think we've been out of the office in at least a week and my paperwork has started to come to life and reproduce asexually?

I don't know either. I thought that kid was teaching him how to be good at chess but I don't think it's working very well because strangers on the internet have been laughing at him. I see the 'LOL' messages sometimes.

They send him pictures of cats and babies or small children saying mean things as well. It doesn't make much sense. I hear him muttering about it sometimes too.

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: re: re: Case files needed URGENTLY!  
_  
Yeah, it seems like there are more problems than I thought. We just wrapped up this dating service guy who killed three of the ladies he got matched with. I've just been putting all the files together and you'll never guess what is in his hobbies section.

I don't even have anything to say to that. The internet is kind of frightening.

_From: cgranger4334fbigov  
To: asprington8812fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: Case files needed URGENTLY!  
_  
You can't be serious.

We have to make sure he never ever hears about this or Don will probably have to suspend him pending a psych evaluation and then he'll be in a bad mood when he comes back and there will be no coffee EVER.

This is a disaster. Can you destroy the files or bribe someone else to do it or maybe we could send David on a wild goose chase and swear everyone to silence while he's gone?

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Damage control initiated  
_  
Roger that. I'm on it.

**PART II**

_From: tmclean2682fbigov  
To: deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: Case briefing #911  
_  
I hope you're enjoying New Orleans because we have a potential disaster on our hands back here in LA, Eppes.

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: tmclean2682fbigov  
Subject: Re: Case briefing #911  
_  
You sure know how to ruin a guy's day and I'm not even in the same state as you. That's a skill, McLean.

What's gone wrong this time? Please tell me Granger hasn't tried to make coffee and accidentally wiped out SWAT. I am not putting myself between him and them if that's what it comes down to. We all know how that will end and it will not be pretty.

_From: tmclean2682fbigov  
To: deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: Case briefing #911  
_  
If you were here in the office and doing your job with the coffee pot that wouldn't even be remotely likely. As it is I've had to spend a fortune on Starbucks to keep him out of the break room.

Li in Forensics forwarded me a copy of some emails sent between Granger and Springton this morning. I have reasonable grounds to suspect that tech have flagged anything between those two as potentially disastrous and are using it as a reason to keep up with all their shenanigans.

Anyway. My guys just wrapped up that dating site killer case and guess what was listed in his hobbies section?

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: tmclean2682fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: re: Case briefing #911  
_  
Now I get why you used the #911.

More to the point, do you think I could convince Wright to transfer Sinclair to New York or something until this blows over and there is no chance of him finding out?

Also, remind me to never discuss seriously sensitive topics via email again.

_From: tmclean2682fbigov  
To: deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: re: re: Case briefing #911  
_  
I think the chances of that are about as slim as Granger and Springton not screwing the pooch on this. How soon before you can be back?

Noted. Li, if you're reading this I am going to tell Granger that you want to try his coffee for scientific reasons.

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: tmclean2682fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: Case briefing #911  
_  
Give David and Nikki the weekend off and take Colby and Liz. Fill her in, if you two can keep an eye on them the chances of them accidentally leaking it will be smaller. I'm going to try and be back by Monday.

Keep me updated, and Li, that is a death sentence so pick your next move wisely.

**PART III**

_From: gmartinadminfbigov  
To: mli3224fbigov  
Subject: VC explosion  
_  
So, a little bird tells us that a perfect storm is brewing up there on the mysterious VC level.

Care to keep us ladies down here informed? We're willing to pay handsomely.

_From: mli3224fbigov  
To: gmartinadminfbigov  
Subject: Re: VC explosion  
_  
Of course, would I ever withhold information from any of you? Some of Ali's famous cobbler wouldn't go amiss though.

I honestly don't know why they think anything they send to each other is actually confidential. They work for the _government_.

First bit of information: I wouldn't take coffee from anyone on the VC floor until Eppes gets back from New Orleans. There is a slight chance that it may have been made by Granger.

_From: agregoryadminfbigov  
To: mli3224fbigov  
Subject: Happy birthday_

Your cobbler will be ready for pickup tomorrow morning at precisely 8:30am.

Peach or apple?

_From: mli3224fbigov  
To: agregoryadminfbigov  
Subject: Re: Happy birthday_

Apple would be lovely, thank you.

**PART IV**

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: meganreevesuowedu_  
_Subject: Come home right now_

I will blackmail Bradford into giving you his doctorate if you go back to LA and somehow make everyone normal before I get back from New Orleans. They have a killer who meets the standards for a serial and actually had an online dating profile that listed jogging and/or running as a hobby.

I wish I was kidding.

_From: meganreevesuowedu  
To deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: Re: Come home right now_

You're on your own, Don.

I literally can't even explain how hard I am laughing right now – my supervisor is looking at me really worriedly.

Who am I kidding, that is hilarious and I'm going to get live footage streaming of all of it. You will never know who my inside source is.

**PART V**

_From: meganreevesuowedu  
To: mli3224fbigov  
Subject: Bribery or blackmail, your choice  
_  
So, I am willing to offer some material on certain agents in return for an in to all the chaos that will happen in the next few days or, if you rather, I could come back to LA and provide them with some material, or just provide them with you, in person.

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: mli3224fbigov  
Subject: Don't you dare_

If you even think about indulging Reeves I am going to ruin everything Edgerton tries to eat for the next month and convince him it was you.

You know I could do it as well.

_From: mli3224fbigov  
To: deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: you have my sword. or bow. whichever means you won't turn me over to Edgerton_

Told her I've been stationed in Michigan.

_From: mli3224fbigov  
To: meganreevesuowedu  
Subject: you terrify me even more than he does so I am just going to say yes and hope that the world doesn't end_

^ that is all. Except for the fact that if Eppes asks, you think I'm in Michigan.

* * *

**_That was fun to write, I must admit._**


	3. Alliteration and arguments, also asshats

**_Okay, so, you guys get this AND the beginning of a new story this week just because I might have spent too long trying to figure out statistics and driven myself completely around the bend into some seriously sleep-starved space._**

Next up: Tommy fails at everything to do with the fairer sex, Don is awesome even across the country and somehow Amita and the AD get dragged into things. Personally, I blame Matt Li for everything.

* * *

**PART I**

_From: tmclean2682fbigov  
To: lwarner6465fbigov  
Subject: Conference call_

So, my last case had a guy who was using an online dating site to meet women and kill them. He's an avid runner, had it listed in his hobbies section. I've sent Sinclair and Betancourt on three days A/L and Don's trying to wrap things up and be back by Monday but we need to fireblanket the hell out of this thing before Granger and Springton drop the ball.

_From: lwarner6465fbigov  
To: tmclean2682fbigov  
Subject: Re: Conference call_

We see some pretty whacked out stuff on the streets of LA but somehow, they've got nothing on what happens in this bullpen. Before I came to LA I have literally never worked somewhere that spews so much insanity. My first placement was in Boston and I worked with some of the most useless twits you'll ever meet in your life and it didn't even come close to a regular week around here.

_To: lwarner6465fbigov  
From: tmclean2682fbigov  
Subject: Stop sulking_

Are you going to help me deal with this or are you just going to whine about the fact that you're surrounded by lunatics?

I look at it this way: we end up looking like way better agents than we actually are and at least three times saner by comparison.

_To: tmclean2682fbigov  
From: lwarner6465fbigov  
Subject: Attn: Asshat_

You call that sulking? Stating a fact, McLean.

You know, I don't really want to make your life easier so you're lucky I don't want to actually deal with a puffed up peacock version of Sinclair or I would just ignore you.

Go lose at one-player solitaire and leave this to the big kids, okay?

**PART II**

_From: tmclean2682fbigov  
To: deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: The cat has claws_

You seriously need to get back soon because I think Granger has some creepy premonition thing going on and was right about that whole syncing thing.

Also, is there some cheat code or interaction manual for Warner? Or her evil twin? I don't know which one I'm dealing with.

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: tmclean2682fbigov  
Subject: Re: The cat has claws_

Nope, you're pretty much screwed. Should be done pretty soon, actually, I had one of those awesome sleep-deprived brainwaves and there's this guy here who is kind of an idiot-savant and ran with it so we're really close to being done. He'd get on really well with Granger and Springton.

Did you get Sinclair out of the office?

_From: tmclean2682fbigov  
To: deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: The cat has claws_

Great. Maybe you can transfer him in to replace me when the women finally decide they've had enough of pretending to be anything but evil dictators and make their move to take over the Bureau? I only suggest it because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be one of the first to go.

I got him out on a couple of leave days and Betancourt too. You're going to come home and all that will be left is rubble, ruins, roaches and some kind of radioactive residue.

**PART III**

_From: mli3224fbigov  
To: meganreevesuowedu, agregoryadminfbigov, gmartingadminfbigov, tkingswatfbigov  
Subject: FW: happy holidays!_

_***videofile***_

Check out 2:46 – it kind of looks like Warner and Springton both have horns! McLean looks like he's going to wet his pants and throw up all at the same time.

Also, a little bird may have made sure a copy of today's paper got delivered to Sinclair's front door. More updates to come.

**PART IV**

_From: dsinclair5421fbigov  
To: charleseppescalsciedu  
Subject: I knew it!_

Charlie,

Read this morning's paper. I'm sending this from the visitor's lounge at the office and about to head to campus. They're trying to cover it up by sending me on leave but I _knew_ we were right!

- David

_From: charleseppescalsciedu  
To: dsinclair5421fbigov  
Subject: Re: I knew it!_

The fact that we were kept in the dark does suggest a coverup but of course they couldn't blanket the media. I have a TA covering my classes, will be waiting in Larry's office.

**PART V**

_From: amitaramanujancalsciedu  
To: asprington8812fbigov, cgranger4334fbigov, lwarner6465fbigov  
Subject: Someone let the dogs out_

Guys, Charlie and Larry are in Larry's office talking very animatedly and I think David's on his way here.

What do I need to do?

_From: lwarner6465fbigov  
To: amitaramnujancalsciedu, asprington8812fbigov, cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Re: Someone let the dogs out_

Get the chemistry students to knock up some tear gas. Or better yet some kind of experimental memory wiping vapour. Lure them to the door, open it, distract them while you throw the canister in and then pretend you have to leave really quickly. Put a bookcase in front of the door. Let them marinate for a couple of hours, they won't remember their own names by then.

Problem solved.

_From: cgranger4334fbigov  
To: amitaramanujancalsciedu, asprington8812fbigov, lwarner6465fbigov  
Subject: Would that count as a science experiment?_

I like Liz's plan. It gives us time to get a coffee and clean up the mess before Don comes home. You don't think he'd be mad if we wiped Charlie and David's memories, do you?

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: amitaramanujancalsciedu, cgranger4334fbigov, lwarner6465fbigov  
Subject: Re: Would that count as a science experiment?  
_  
I agree. What Don doesn't know won't hurt him and it just means when they dribble nonsense they won't understand what they're talking about either. It'll be nice for them to realise how we feel sometimes.

**PART VI**

_From: tmclean2682fbigov  
To: pwright2137fbigov  
Subject: Shameless self-preservation_

Sir, I regretfully inform you that your two best VC units are probably about to spontaneously combust. I have a very strong feeling that Granger, Springton and Warner are probably going to be the only ones to survive. Much like cockroaches surviving a certain kind of explosion that I won't mention over monitored services because I'm not naïve enough to believe that this is private and I won't be arrested.

I think the best course of action is to recall Eppes immediately, invite Ian Edgerton for a seminar on how to be less loudly and more stealthily insane and then upon completion send each agent involved to a separate country. Personally, I think I could work well with the Mexican police force.

* * *

**_Don't even ask what even or why because honestly, I haven't a clue what's going on either._**


	4. In which Ana and Colby do no work, ever

**_So I realised the other day that I actually have trouble imagining the FBI office as serious now because Ana and Tommy are always there and they're like these imaginary harbingers of chaos. I'm almost frightened to re-watch any episodes which is terrifying because I've finished the DVDs of my new addiction. I may be dealing with this by sprinkling everything with not so thinly-veiled references. My apologies if it makes no sense to anyone who hasn't watched _**_Community** but I urge you to go and watch it immediately.**_

Today's episode: **_Ana and Colby spend their weekend watching a new television show recommended by the barista who now delivers their coffee and shamelessly exploit their coworkers (aka Don) as inspiration for all kinds of fun stuff. Set sometime post-everything I've written in this so far and also post-_**_Billy and Don's Awesome Adventure_.

* * *

**PART I**

_From: cgranger4334fbigov  
To: asprington8812fbigov  
Subject: Community service_

I think my favourite part of emailing is coming up with witty subjects. Also, I woke up this morning missing college. I haven't done that ever.

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Re: Community service_

It's a good one! People will just think we're talking about actual community service which is boring. We're probably the only people in the whole office who've thought of that to stop people snooping through our conversations.

I know what you mean. I woke up wishing I actually kept taking Spanish. That Dummies guide really was helpful – I don't know why everyone stopped you from buying one about making coffee. If you could make good coffee then everything would be fine when they need to send Don off on super secret stuff. Although I think we're okay now that Mike will deliver to us. That last case was a really close call.

If we were a study group, I think Don would be the Jeff of it all.

_From: cgranger4334fbigov  
To: asprington8812fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: Community service_

I dunno, those admin ladies are pretty clever. I bet they get loads of stuff under the radar through clever subject-lining.

How-to books are usually pretty helpful but after the whole SWAT incident I'm pretty sure everyone just thinks I'm going to poison them. I don't get how I suck so much at coffee – I make really good tea. Maybe I should have been English? I wish I could swap addictions.

You're probably right although Don wouldn't need to start a study group to get in anyone's pants. I'm positive he already speaks Spanish and I'm pretty sure his degree is legitimate.

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: re: Community service_

That's probably just what he wants us to think! I think I still have that book on Spanish somewhere. We should test him.

**PART II**

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: wcooper3669fbigov_  
_Subject: I never thought I'd say this_

I'm actually pretty sure today has been weirder than the whole of the Trent Jacobs hunt.

Did you slip some contagious kind of crazy to me while we were out?

_From: wcooper3669fbigov  
To: deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: Re: I never thought I'd say this_

Let me guess: Granger and Springton?

Not that I know of but I guess it could have happened. Also, I found those socks I told you must have been in the SUV. Then I lost them again. I thought about not telling you.

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: wcooper3669fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: I never thought I'd say this_

You know, there are times where I wish you thought lying to me was more fun than telling the truth.

Yes, Granger and Springton. They both had a weekend, caseload's been pretty light and I'm not entirely sure but I think they might have spent the whole time together because they've had their heads down and typing furiously all morning even though we don't even have that many reports outstanding. They also call me Dan whenever the kid who delivers from Starbucks is around although I'm not sure that actually has to do with anything.

That isn't even the weirdest part. Springton came up and started talking to me in Spanish and Granger had his head in an upside down copy of Cosmopolitan magazine. It was like she was reading off a Spanish 101 basic greeting script so I answered in Spanish, because sometimes it's just better to go along with their insanity, and she looked like I kicked her in the ovaries.

_From: wcooper3669fbigov  
To: deppes3695fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: re: I never thought I'd say this_

You know, if I ever finish up in FR and have to settle in a field office I am definitely coming to LA. You guys are all mental, it's great.

**PART III**

_From: meganreevesuowedu  
To: deppes3695fbigov_  
_Subject: Gimme the rundown_

What's been happening over there? The east is so quiet now that you and Cooper aren't occupying the same state anymore.

_From: deppes3695fbigov  
To: meganreevesuowedu_  
_Subject: Re: Gimme the rundown_

I am seriously considering early retirement.

**PART IV**

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Checklist_

Okay, so he speaks Spanish. Really well. I even double checked with Google translate and you were right, his answer was perfect. Do we have any leads on whether his degree is fake?

_From: cgranger4334fbigov  
To: asprington8812fbigov  
Subject: Re: Checklist_

I told you he answered right and I even proved it to you with the dictionary. If he's lying about anything he's too smart to leave any loose strings. His college is real, he's in the yearbook, his GPA was good and you can buy Stockton Rangers baseball cards with him on them off eBay.

_From: apsrington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: Checklist_

There has to be something!

**PART V**

_From: meganreevesuowedu  
To: mli3224fbigov  
Subject: Regarding early retirement_

In response to a 'how's your day' email Don says he's considering early retirement. Any ideas what's happening up there?

_From: mli3224fbigov  
To: meganreevesuowedu  
Subject: Re: Regarding early retirement_

**_*videofile*_**

Granger and Springton have become obsessed with some television show, essentially. Google the protagonist of _Community_, guy named Jeff Winger. I think in their attempts to prove that he and Don are one and the same they may actually drive him insane.

That's even real Spanish that they've researched, if you pause it at 1:24 you can see Springton press record on the microphone in her bra and Granger doesn't need it because he speaks Spanish pretty well but Springton made him use a translation dictionary because she has some serious issues. You can see it behind that upside down copy of Cosmopolitan that he pretends to read at 1:31. They double-checked Eppes' response against internet translations as well.

_From: meganreevesuowedu  
To: mli3224fbigov  
Subject: Re: re: Regarding early retirement_

I am actually losing it over here. They might not give me my doctorate after all, surely there's a rule against giving qualifications to someone who keeps choking on their coffee at their desk and not being able to answer questions about whether they're alright.

**PART VI – In which things move to text messages briefly because I don't think Starbucks employees get their own email addresses.**

_Mike. We have a mission for you, should you choose to accept. A&C_

**Did you use some government database to get my number?**

_We could have but you gave me your number so we didn't need to._

**Oh good point. What mission?**

_You know Dan? We think he's pulling a Winger. Well, Ana does and Colby isn't so sure._

**He looks like the type. Those sunglasses and suits and that whole FBI agent thing.**

_Dude, I wear sunglasses and suits. Are you saying something?_

_Don't mind him he's kind of touchy about Dan since our boss died in that horrific fire and all that._

**I'm not saying anything about it, they really suit you! Man, I'm sorry, I know you really liked your boss. What do you need me to do?**

_Everyone tells secrets in coffee shops because they think that no one listens but you must hear so much awesome stuff. We just need you to keep an eye and ear on him whenever he's in there and possibly use the Starbucks spy network to help us._

**Starbucks spy network? That isn't even a real thing.**

_We work for the FBI, Mike. We know everything._

**That's right. Everything.**

_Fine. God, do they teach you that at Quantico? I so need to learn this stuff. I'd fall apart in an interrogation._

**PART VII**

_From: cgranger4334fbigov  
To: asprington8812fbigov  
Subject: Training_

If we're bringing Mike into the fold we're going to need to make sure he can stand up under pressure.

_From: asprington8812fbigov  
To: cgranger4334fbigov  
Subject: Re: Training_

You're right. You would have done some crazy training in the Army, right? We need to turn him into a fortress of secret knowledge.

* * *

**_And in other news, I still have no idea what is happening here._** **_Also, uni has almost started so again, my apologies for however long it takes me to get into the rhythm of things and write properly again. Although, all this story consists of is a bunch of insane subplots so I'm not sure it counts as proper anything._**


End file.
